The first time I visited a therapist, I went to find out what was wrong with me. What was I doing wrong, why did I feel so on edge,, and why did I feel unsafe? It had to be me – my (now former) husband and my narcissistic mother both treated me the same way.
I was lost in busyness (avoidance) and couldn’t see his raging alcoholism. I went hoping that I would discover what was wrong with me and why the two people in my life that I should have felt the safest with, I didn’t.
What I learned was how to peel an onion.
I’m sure I learned more than this, but what has stuck with me all these years is the analogy of feelings, habits,, and beliefs buried under layers of onion skin.
Have you ever peeled an onion that made you cry so much that you had to step away? Busyness was how I avoided the tears.
And then my world shattered. My dad, with whom I was very close, lost his life to cancer. Somewhere deep inside me, a layer of onion peeled away. I knew to be “alive” I had to do something different. I didn’t know what, I didn’t know how, but I finally faced my onion with tears flowing and admitted to myself that I was miserably unhappy.
The first step to change is awareness.
Peeling your onion is difficult when using busyness as avoidance. Today when I begin to feel stuck, overwhelmed or feel the draw to drink again from the ‘busyness bottle,’ I now have the tools, in the form of questions to ask.
Here are three of my favorites:
#1: What is this? I don’t obsess over it. I quietly ask, “what is this?” The answer comes in the most interesting ways. A conversation sparks a thought. A memory comes back. You read something that prompts an ‘ah ha’ moment. It may take minutes, hours, days, or even weeks, but eventually, the answer (or an ah-ha”) will come.
#2: How can I see this differently! It’s a great question to ask because it triggers your emotional response system to pause, reflect and proceed differently. This question became my theme for an entire year.
#3: What challenging step/action can I take? This is the big kahuna question! This is the question that led to say the words “I want a divorce,” that led to tendering my resignation and buying a business, and ten years later selling the business, and this is the question that led to embarking on my “year of no” – my sabbatical.
Warning – this question can lead to grabbing the closest “bottle of busyness” and returning to the status quo (even though your situation is detrimental to your wellbeing).
SUPPORT IS ESSENTIAL. Whether it’s a friend, a therapist, or a seasoned coach, please ask for help.
One caveat when asking for help navigating your big kahuna: I feel this person should not be your spouse or partner, as your next step could impact them (or even be about them). Though their intentions are good, their own emotions may mask their support.
I’m fortunate to have a group of women – my “spotter sisters” with which I peel the layers. Or I share my thoughts with my husband and then process it deeper with my spotter sisters because we gals and guys process things differently.
I no longer run from my tears. I know that tears mean I’ve touched what is real and precious to me. Self-acceptance, healing, and transformation take root and grow from this place.
Warmly! Suzy
What would you like to do differently? Comment below.
