I was struck with sadness for my friend (her husband was the one who cut the noose and administered CPR). Four children returned home from a weekend with their father, expecting to return to life as normal with their mother.How could this happen? How can someone commit suicide and leave behind four children? How does someone walk through life without anyone knowing that they may be suicidal?
I have an answer and I have a secret that I have held close to my heart for years. I was one of these people, I was suicidal.
At age 20, I had hit rock bottom. I don’t remember saying the words “I’m going to commit suicide”, but I do remember saying “I want to go to sleep and never wake up”. I was tired, lost, sad and lonely, I felt worthless and my heart was hurting. I remember walking to the store and purchasing a bottle of sleeping pills. I remember swallowing half the bottle and then I remember getting violently ill. I don’t remember the details, but I do know from this point forward I slowly picked myself up and consciously began improving my life. No one knew, no one even suspected how close I had come to sleeping forever.
Fast forward 19 years. I’m married, have a child. We live on the water with beautiful views, have a wonderful circle of friends, and I enjoy every waking moment that the joy of motherhood brought me, but yet, a part of me was slowly dying. My husband was an alcoholic. Years of living in this environment was beginning to take its toll. I went to counselor after counselor trying to find out what was wrong with ME. Why did my husband treat me the way he did? I sunk lower and lower. For the outside world, and even my close circle of friends, I displayed a smile and positive attitude. No one knew that inside I was lost, sad and lonely, I felt worthless and my heart was hurting. I remember looking in the mirror and emptiness staring back at me. I remember curling up in a ball in the bathroom crying, hiding behind the noise of the fan, then wiping away the tears and putting a smile on my face for my son. I remember feeling like I was living in a tunnel, going through the motions, but feeling nothing. I was numb. I wanted to go to sleep, and not wake up. But going to sleep would mean never seeing my son again. This thought I couldn’t bear. I’ve always said that my son kept me alive. He didn’t know this and I never would have put such a burden on him. But his cute face and happy disposition, woke me up enough to get help, the help came in the form of a little pill – an antidepressant and counseling. These little pills lifted the cloud the counseling opened my eyes. I saw clearly, stepped off the curb and left my husband.
Today I know why I once attempted suicide and why I didn’t the second time. Without knowing it, even though life was challenging, I had begun to integrate what I call the Seven Rays of Life: Family, friends, career, finances, pleasure, spirituality and whole-health. When I was 20, my life was fragmented, when I was 38, three of the seven rays where beginning to integrate. Three was enough to help me step beyond this challenging time in life. As I approach my 49th year, I have now integrated all the Seven Rays of Life. How do I know? When life presents challenges, integration of all aspects of life provides me with the tools and support to navigate through the occasional tough times from a place of calm. I not only cherish life, I cherish myself.
I feel so sad for this mother who made a choice to sleep forever. I feel so sad for the children that she left behind. I feel so sad for this close neighborhood and friends who are now navigating their way through a very difficult time. And I feel stronger than ever about getting the message to the world of the importance of creating balance in life and the importance of the Seven Rays of Life: Family, friends, career, finances, pleasure, spirituality and whole-health.
This post is dedicated to my wonderful, kind, loving and thoughtful friends the Thurston’s and the family next door.
May you find the calm that comes when all the rays of life flow together into one!
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